Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
