I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?