Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
