I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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