I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
