i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
