made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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