Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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