Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
