Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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