i permit you to call me
Fuck appropriateness.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
