She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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