my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
