I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.