can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle