I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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