I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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