i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
