Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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