K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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