he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
