Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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