I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
