Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
