I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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