I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
