yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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