My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
