this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
