I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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