watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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