she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is Oprah even human
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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