This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
