He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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