you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
