I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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