My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
