If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
