wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
