I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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