I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
