I wish I could teleport
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
