after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
