I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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