my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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