Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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