Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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