yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
