don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
