Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
