i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
