and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think my vagina is haunted
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
