I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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