I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
