I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
