Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
