i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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