I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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