Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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